Fear
I parted ways with a friend awhile back. I was her friend because I was drawn by her clear talent. Sometimes I check in on her work. I’m surprised to go “Wow, with all of your talent this is all you could do?”
“STFU ropes are hard.”
I need to have a 5 act spec script written by the end of the month. This is my first time doing one of these, and I never had a professor walk me through this particular structure. I have tools at my disposal to help. The best ones being my own analytical abilities and my proximity to the WGA library. So I can read and analyze the show scripts.
But I’m nervous. It needs to be perfect. But why? Others have told me that I don’t need to try this hard for what I’m doing. But I think I’m afraid because I wonder if my former friend looks in on my work from time to time. I wonder if she’s looking and saying “Wow, with all of your talent, this is all you can do?”
I had a teacher who said, “We like art only because we like to see human mastery.” I feel going “Wow, with all of your talent, this is all you can do?” is the biggest slap in the face.
I have a need to go big. I have to make it. I can’t just go the rest of my life wondering what if I had just played it a little riskier. But now I’m scared that the risks are not going to pay off. Fortune doesn’t always favor the bold. In fact statistically if fortune did favor the bold, then the bold wouldn’t be bold but rather those who play it safe.
I call this point of a writer’s life “career chicken.” You decide how safe you have to play things. I’ve seen a lot of writers give up, so I played it aggressively. But now I’m looking at being unsure how to pay my bills or my loans. The costs of my riskiness are starting to show themselves. It’s scary. I have to make this fellowship application stick. I have a serious need to be selected, or I’m going to feel like a waste of talent (as arrogant as I know that sounds).
Plus, since I’m pretty much done with my masters degree, with the exception of my final thesis. I feel like everyone’s looking at me going “Well, now what are you going to do?” I’m afraid the answer is pretty much just epically fail.
“I’m going to continue screenwriting and trying for fellowships and jobs that I have almost no chance of actually getting. Hollywood is hard. I’m probably just going to end up moving back in with my parents and spending more time arguing about being able to stay out past 8pm even though I’m an adult than actually working on my writing. Don’t look at me like that; Celestia didn’t subsidize my student loans!”
Source for Trixie image: http://youtu.be/FcVxtyaATq8